I almost never wish the worst on people, I don't want them to lose what they have. Unless we are talking Kardashians or Paris Hilton, then I want to see them waiting tables and scrubbing toilets. (Is that mean of me?) But as I get older I would really, really, really, really like the pendulum to swing my way.
I have been waiting such a long time, relatively patiently, but as I get older this gets harder and harder. I find myself washing dishes, a chore I deplore, and thinking, "Here I am, 47 years old and friggin washing dishes by hand. WTF? Or worse, I visit a friend or a loved ones beautiful home and see how they have decorated and have things like big metal stars on their walls, or a large vase full of willow branches painted silver and I think, "They SHOPPED for that. Actually thought, that corner needs a little something, think I will get my purse and head to Bowrings." That just boggles my mind. I mean literally boggles me. Not that I wish badly on them at all, but I just cannot fathom it.
Our home situation necessitates that we be a single income family. That is just the way it is. And for many years, while not happy with that situation, I accepted it. But as I get older, and our children get older, and we are still in the same boat, it is becoming a bitter pill to take. There is a certain level of expectation, milestones if you will, that people kind of expect as they move through their lives. As you get older you expect a certain level of creature comforts, if you will, as you approach retirement. I understand that huge changes such as illness, divorce, etc, can derail the most comfortable existence, but just tooling through life, I had assumed my whole life things would get easier, not harder. Am I wrong in this assumption? I have thought to myself over the years, there are plenty of people much worse off than you, get over yourself." But honestly, these days, I'd be hard pressed to think of more than maybe one. That is totally demoralising. And I have heard the placating, at least you have your health, you have the love of a good man. Both are true, but if you hold up the fingers on one hand of the things you have going for you, and the other hand runs out of fingers long before the list of things you don't have is even close to finished, it kind of backfires if what you were trying to do was cheer yourself up.
I, by nature, am a very optimistic person, despite the tone of this blog. I really am. I don't know if my inability to get myself over these things is hormonal (menopause is a BITCH), chemical, (I have had and been treated for depression in the past so I'd like to think I could see the signs), or is it just a case of erosion, wearing down on my last nerve? I mean, I made some serious changes in my body and health to try and help improve things, and they did; though not nearly as much or as long lived as expected. And I am sorry this blog is a bummer. But into each life a little rain must fall, and I said from the beginning these blogs would be true. Well, this is the truth. I am flawed, I am not all Suzy Sunshine spreading joy and wisdom from her rainbow basket. Life is HARD.
So tell me please, I am asking; how do keep the green eyed monster at bay? How do you avoid getting bitter? I really don't want to become a bitter old bitch. But my personal pep rally is profoundly pooped.