I recently (really recently) had a heart to heart with a good friend who was bemoaning the fact that something extremely important to her and her well being was just not gonna happen because they couldn't come up with the funds. Let me preface this next part by saying we are REALLY good friends, like I can throw the BULLSHIT flag on the play at any point. Well, out came the BULLSHIT flag. I gently (cough) pointed out to her that I knew for a fact that that simply wasn't true, and that I knew for a fact that said partner was spending money on whims but she was going to let a golden opportunity slide because she wouldn't put herself first. I went so far as to her that she had actually talked her partner into purchasing said whim. She was abashed. Nailed it! (Told you I knew her)
What is with us women? Why do we so willingly don the blue shroud, piously fold our hands, and take it up the backside once we are wives and mothers? What happens to US, our sense of self, our id? Humans don't do ANYTHING unless there is something in it for us. It is one of the basic laws of human nature. Negative or positive, we HAVE to get something back or we just don't do it. So what do we holier than thou get from adopting the pose of the doormat? A helluva lot, that's what. You get a lifetime of "I can always count on you",(Oh pshaw) "You're the best Mom ever!" (why yes, yes I am), "I am so lucky to have a lady like you standing beside me!" (behind you is more like). Talk about an ego stroke! That is a whole lot of positive feedback baby! And it feels GOOD, like really good; like Hugh Jackman in a pirate shirt at dusk on the beach with the wind blowing good! Ok, maybe not THAT good. But it certainly fills our well. Think about it this way. Our "Selves", our personal sense of who we are and the roles we play, are like a water well. The old fashioned kind with the rocks and the bucket and the whole shebang, When we play our roles as wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, lovers, we dip into our well and share our "selves" to the thirsty masses. We are heros, we are HELPING, aren't we administering angels. That is good! But, there are two problems with this scenario, which we ALL do. Problem number one: even the deepest, most generous of wells eventually goes dry if it is not refilled by a spring, or rain or something. Problem number two, they will ALWAYS be thirsty. Always. No matter how many times you dip and share, dip and share, there will ALWAYS be someone there with their hands cupped, eyes pleading, looking for you to rescue them. ALWAYS. THink about that for a minute. You know it's true. The core of the issue is that often the bucket we haul up is often much bigger than the vessel doing the refilling. Haul up a bucket of "staying up late to make cupcakes for school after a full days work on last minutes notice", get refilled by a cup of " a hug and a kiss you are the best Mom ever" and maybe a cup of "smug self satisfaction when you see the other Mom's BOUGHT cupcakes." But, two cups of filling does not replace a bucket of output. Eventually, somethings gotta give. The well has run dry. That often manifests itself in affairs, addictions, divorce, self sabotage, foolish risks. Anything to fill that well, to FEEL again. Feel anything...bad or good, and damn the consequences.
Riddle me this, what would happen id this scenario DIDN'T happen that way. What if we put ourselves first? At least on occasion? I'll tell you what happens, your world screams to a halt. People panic, there is carnage in the streets, it positively apocalyptic! At least it seems that way to the people feeding at the tit of human kindness called you! "What do you mean you can't?" "What is wrong with you?" "How can you be so selfish." They will balk and moan and whine and cry. They will. It's like going cold turkey to them, they get the DTs. They might even pull out the big guns, and cry. It is hard, I get it. But guess what, no one dies. No one is blown to smithereens, the meteor DOESN'T hit the earth, the sun comes up the next day, same as the day before. Be prepared for the occasional lob of a guilt grenade in your direction, but if you take this stand for yourself, put yourself first, do something FOR YOURSELF that refills your well, it WORKS! When you do something for yourself, something that goes against all your instinct to give, the vessel that refills your well is equivalent to a dump truck full. It is massive, and fulfilling. It IS uncomfortable at first, kinda like getting your ears pierced. That initial Ow Ow Ow Ow...whew. It's over, you've done it. Now reap the benefits and ignore the bleating lambs.
You, my friends, my fellow persons, are WORTH IT! You and your wishes and hopes and desires are just as valid as anyone elses. Why shouldn't they be? Make it happen, do it. Take the plunge, take the discomfort, take the consequences, but just DO IT! You know you can. You might have to step on some toes, make some SELF sacrifice, put others out temporarily, but DO IT. Guess what? Most of them get the hell over it. Those that don't, never really did have YOUR best interest at heart, so you are well rid of them. And the pride you feel and enjoyment from your accomplishment, whatever it may be, will be tenfold the initial discomfort. Stop dangling your toe in, take the friggin plunge already.
After all, even a doormat stops doing what it was meant to do if it is not cleaned out every once in a while,
What is with us women? Why do we so willingly don the blue shroud, piously fold our hands, and take it up the backside once we are wives and mothers? What happens to US, our sense of self, our id? Humans don't do ANYTHING unless there is something in it for us. It is one of the basic laws of human nature. Negative or positive, we HAVE to get something back or we just don't do it. So what do we holier than thou get from adopting the pose of the doormat? A helluva lot, that's what. You get a lifetime of "I can always count on you",(Oh pshaw) "You're the best Mom ever!" (why yes, yes I am), "I am so lucky to have a lady like you standing beside me!" (behind you is more like). Talk about an ego stroke! That is a whole lot of positive feedback baby! And it feels GOOD, like really good; like Hugh Jackman in a pirate shirt at dusk on the beach with the wind blowing good! Ok, maybe not THAT good. But it certainly fills our well. Think about it this way. Our "Selves", our personal sense of who we are and the roles we play, are like a water well. The old fashioned kind with the rocks and the bucket and the whole shebang, When we play our roles as wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, lovers, we dip into our well and share our "selves" to the thirsty masses. We are heros, we are HELPING, aren't we administering angels. That is good! But, there are two problems with this scenario, which we ALL do. Problem number one: even the deepest, most generous of wells eventually goes dry if it is not refilled by a spring, or rain or something. Problem number two, they will ALWAYS be thirsty. Always. No matter how many times you dip and share, dip and share, there will ALWAYS be someone there with their hands cupped, eyes pleading, looking for you to rescue them. ALWAYS. THink about that for a minute. You know it's true. The core of the issue is that often the bucket we haul up is often much bigger than the vessel doing the refilling. Haul up a bucket of "staying up late to make cupcakes for school after a full days work on last minutes notice", get refilled by a cup of " a hug and a kiss you are the best Mom ever" and maybe a cup of "smug self satisfaction when you see the other Mom's BOUGHT cupcakes." But, two cups of filling does not replace a bucket of output. Eventually, somethings gotta give. The well has run dry. That often manifests itself in affairs, addictions, divorce, self sabotage, foolish risks. Anything to fill that well, to FEEL again. Feel anything...bad or good, and damn the consequences.
Riddle me this, what would happen id this scenario DIDN'T happen that way. What if we put ourselves first? At least on occasion? I'll tell you what happens, your world screams to a halt. People panic, there is carnage in the streets, it positively apocalyptic! At least it seems that way to the people feeding at the tit of human kindness called you! "What do you mean you can't?" "What is wrong with you?" "How can you be so selfish." They will balk and moan and whine and cry. They will. It's like going cold turkey to them, they get the DTs. They might even pull out the big guns, and cry. It is hard, I get it. But guess what, no one dies. No one is blown to smithereens, the meteor DOESN'T hit the earth, the sun comes up the next day, same as the day before. Be prepared for the occasional lob of a guilt grenade in your direction, but if you take this stand for yourself, put yourself first, do something FOR YOURSELF that refills your well, it WORKS! When you do something for yourself, something that goes against all your instinct to give, the vessel that refills your well is equivalent to a dump truck full. It is massive, and fulfilling. It IS uncomfortable at first, kinda like getting your ears pierced. That initial Ow Ow Ow Ow...whew. It's over, you've done it. Now reap the benefits and ignore the bleating lambs.
You, my friends, my fellow persons, are WORTH IT! You and your wishes and hopes and desires are just as valid as anyone elses. Why shouldn't they be? Make it happen, do it. Take the plunge, take the discomfort, take the consequences, but just DO IT! You know you can. You might have to step on some toes, make some SELF sacrifice, put others out temporarily, but DO IT. Guess what? Most of them get the hell over it. Those that don't, never really did have YOUR best interest at heart, so you are well rid of them. And the pride you feel and enjoyment from your accomplishment, whatever it may be, will be tenfold the initial discomfort. Stop dangling your toe in, take the friggin plunge already.
After all, even a doormat stops doing what it was meant to do if it is not cleaned out every once in a while,