As many of my readers know, my Dad is struggling post surgery to remove part of a cancerous lung. I spent the last 2 and a half weeks helping care for him, and worry about him and my Mother, with breaks on the weekends from my sister (THANKS DOT!), but even though I am home...my mind is still there. My Mom is not coping with the stress well, and getting a little overwhelmed, and the changes in his medication, and their routine have thrown her for a loop. I know it sounds silly, but I am exhausted, with being vigilant, and watching him for changes in his breathing, in his pain, how much he is eating (or NOT eating), changes with activity, at rest, is he drinking enough? I have a LONG history with dealing with recovery, in myself and with other family members, so because I know what to look for, I am ALWAYS looking for it. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. Add to this a long list of other personal and financial issues going on right now, I am full up. And I find myself backsliding.
Part of the reason I got so morbidly obese was a perfect storm of events and situations that left me feeling utterly trapped. Health issues with a family member, lack of finances to maintain or repair a house rapidly falling to neglect, and living in the country with only one vehicle available to us. Sound familiar? A Perfect Storm is supposed to be a once in a lifetime event, but I find myself in the same position again.
As life evened out for us, I was at a point that I HAD to take drastic measures and put myself first. My health had deteriorated to the point that if I didn't, I would die. I knew that as a certainty. It was all about ME for a good couple of years. I took the steps to lose the weight, the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life, and I had 2 knees repaired, and pushed for the plastic surgery that would improve my sense of accomplishment and self worth. ME. Others in my family did benefit from it too, but it was all about me and my eyes on the prize. But life is never stagnant, it is ever changing and challenging. We find ourselves again at a financial crossroads, and tightening our belts even more, and I find myself losing. Losing my freedom, my liberty, my ability to socialize and have friends over, and I have to take my portion of the responsibility for my Father's care. Same as before...just a different family member. The result is about 18 lbs or so of regain. Not much in the grand scheme of things, but now I am watching it like a HAWK. I do NOT want to go back, I DO NOT! But, here is my struggle. My health is good, really good, so I don't have that danger anymore. Do I have the right to go back to putting myself first? Aren't there more important things right now. My life is not at risk, so I feel others need my "attention" for lack of a better word, and that I should be willing to sacrifice until things get back on an even keel again. But, truth be told, I don't want to. I feel better when I put myself first. Oh not at first, it was a helluva struggle at the beginning, but if I am honest, I feel like I should be first. But in this particular set of circumstances, do I deserve to be? And who or what will have to suffer for me to do it? I am enveloped with the feeling that I should step back and just dig in and wait, and give myself over to other more important things, but the true me...the me I love, is fighting me tooth and nail inside. "NO!", It screams, "NO FUCKING WAY! You are NOT going back there ever...so what you need to do. Just do it, figure out a way and DO it." Wow. it's really loud, and it means it. I do not want my weight and my id, and everything I have gained to wane away. And right now I fear that. But my love for family members and the understanding that sacrifices must be made right now are loud too. I hope I am being clear that this isn't just about my weight, but that my weight is an external manifestation of my internal struggles. As it is with most of us. And as of right now, I am at a stalemate. Wait, am I really at a stalemate? Or are the "outer needs" winning?
Lord Almighty, I need to give my head a shake. Please bear with me as I battle through this thing called life.